Archive for February 2017

"O ye sinners. Repent for the day of the Lord draws near.
You that have been carrying chukuli inside exam hall. Repent now oo.
You that has converted ebelebo tree into your church parish where you conduct deliverance service for hall 2 girls. Repent oo.
You that always target your roommates pot of soup and pretend as if you are sleeping so that you can steal it when he goes out. Repent oo.
You that always form hulk hogan and pull your shirt to fight over everything. Repent oo"

These words the flyover preacher said in his early morning cry that woke us up.

While still in our sleepy state, a knock interrupted and our next door neighbors' voice rang out.
"Bros abeg una fit borrow me una hotplate?"

"Hotplate ke! At 4am in the morning. All our hotplate wire don cut"
I said.
In hope that he would catch the drift and leave us in peace.

"Oya bring one. I go fix am" He said.
A growing tone of desperation seeping into his voice.
Apparently he had forgotten about the decaying state of his egusi soup and had forgotten to warm it the previous night.

"Brosi. Go check Utility. E be like say we leave am for dere"
Timi said in a sharp tone of anger.
For he had not slept early the previous night.
Poor 100 level bloke who was still on a mission to shower hall 2 girls with the gifts of love and Mat Ice.

Within two hours, we awakened fully.

Taking our buckets downstairs to get water for bath,
We got the shock of the week.
Water had finished.

Cries of "PORTER ooo" rang out at that point.
Sarcastic shouts of "epa Oshodin oo" filled the air from the block D boys.

A rising chant of "Make we de go ooo. Make we dey go" began to rise from the impatient block B boys.
Anxious boys looking for every means of entering the girls hostel in the morning time.
Apparently they wanted to view the HD version of bathing hall 2 girls.
A sight which they had been viewing in 3g version from the third floor of their block.

With the shouts of "Make we dey go oo" gaining momentum,
Shirtless gym boys gathered around with their buckets and sticks.
Show offs ready to impress 100 level girls with their newly acquired 5 and 6 packs.

Godbless, the PRO, started the aluta anthem that moment.
Backed up by his able Director of Welfare, who shared the cozy excos room together with him.

"Solidarity for eeehhvaaa. Solidarity for eeehhvaaa.
Solidarity for eehva
We shall always fight for our rights. SING IT"

Like a bunch of disgruntled NLC workers invigorated by the beats of Young John the wicked producer,
We chanted the song in unison for three times.

"Greatest Uniben students!" Godbless shouted like a sex starved man trying to explain to the judge, the reason why his marriage should be dissolved.

"GREAT"
We shouted back in reply.

"Articulate Uniben students!"
He shouted again with increased vigor.

"GREAT"
We replied once again. Our tempers and 'ginger' rising with each passing second.

"Of the greatest GBO GBO"
Godbless shouted.
Raising his fists to elicit more support like Nnamdi Kanu to Ipob supporters in the courts.

"GBO GBO"
We chanted back.
Our voices sounding like a pack of enraged bull dogs who just sighted a robber jumping into the compound of their master.

"Greatest GBA GBA"
Godbless shouted again while smiling.
Obviously enjoying the maddening response which he had gotten so far.

"GBA GBA"
We shouted in return.
Our combined voices sounding like an enraged banging on the door by a angry armed robber who time is wasting.

"Make we dey go oo. Make we dey go"
Godbless started to sing as he led the already filled crowd, towards Hall 2.

The target was Chinelo, the SUG president.
The location-Block C, Room 202.

As we entered Hall 2.
Each party of protesters got into business.

The sons of Hermes, the Greek messenger god of theft, started their mission.
Stealing laptops and even pota of soup from the female rooms nearby.

The sons of Aphorodite, the Greek goddess of love, started honing their craft then.
Lustily gazing at the female students who were still in their night gowns and shorts.

The sons of Ares, the Greek god of war, started performing their fathers handiwork.
Rampaging and breaking everything in sight.
Hurling insults to all girls in sight,
While being gingered to hurl more anytime the girls replied fire with fire.

"Chinelo nor dey house"
The boys leading the charge said after inquiring or her presence from Geraldine her assistant.

"Eh eh. Oya make we go see dean na for students affairs"
Another boy, holding a broken bucket, opined.
Leading the way outside the girls hostel.

Like a group of Nigerians crossing the Sahara desert in a bid to reaching Libya,
The crowd began its trek to the students Affairs.

Carrying sticks, broken bottles and empty buckets were the daring boys wearing only boxers and singlets.
Accompanying the group were some crazy hall 2 girls who had decided to have a taste of the struggle.

To be continued in later posts.
#BASHORUN

African Star Apple (agbalumo in Yoruba, udara in Igbo) is a popular seasonal fruit normally consumed with its flesh in Nigeria. Agbalumo is mostly cultivated in the rural areas of the country and fully in season from january to april. Naturally, its advisable to let the fruit fall to the ground before harvesting but it is common practise for people to pluck it from the tree even when it has not ripened fully. This is one of the major reasons for its sour taste and slapping sensation when it is consumed. However when the fully ripe agbalumo is consumed, it is sweet, lush and sensitises the taste buds of the eater. To crown it up, it is highly nutritious. The beautiful fruit can be gotten mostly everywhere in Nigeria towards the end of November till later in March when it would have gone out of season.

Vitamins and Minerals
Star apples serve as a good source of calcium, with each serving providing you with 10 percent of the amount you require each day. The calcium lends strength to your bones and teeth, and it may also lessen symptoms of premenstrual syndrome, such as cramping and abdominal bloating. This fruit also contains 5 percent of the daily recommended value per serving of vitamin C and vitamin A.

Natural Remedy
The agbalumo/udara is a natural remedy for toothache, constipation, sore throat, and much more. Also the bark of the tree according to research was used traditionally to treat yellow fever and malaria, while the leaf treated wounds, stomach ache, and diarrhea. In some parts of Nigeria the seeds are used to treat vaginal and skin infections.

All-Round Basic Nutrition
1-cup serving of fresh star apple contains 67 calories. Eating star apple as a snack is a good choice as the calories are low and it provides no fat; however, this may not be enough calories to ease hunger pains and boost energy levels, as between-meal snack are meant to do. The Diet Channel notes that 100 to 200 calories per snack is best; consider eating an oz. of cheese or a tsp. of peanut butter to boost the number of calories into this range

Welcome my jolly good friends as we continue this descent down memory lane.

(Inside SS1B mathematics class)
"Bolu stand up and come and answer this question"
Mrs Ajani said.
Leaning against Bukola Opabisi's locker and facing the board while Bukola secretly offered prayers to God for invincibility from the teachers scope of vision.

Like a newly paid 'Yahoo boy's walk to the bank counter,
Bolu swaggered to the black board while the whole class looked in envy
For he was the scholar whose acumen for solving mathematics, was unrivaled.

Like an enthusiastic anatomy lecturer dissecting the composition of a cadaver (corpse) to a group of students, Bolu started breaking down the equation.

Solving in bytes and bits
Unwrapping the answer like a son carefully unveils his mother's Christmas gift with a plastered smile on his face.

Within three minutes, he was done and the teacher ordered a huge round applause for him.

"You stand up (pointing). What is your name"
Asked Mrs Ajani as she pointed at my direction

"She is calling you" I said.
Touching Kunle Bakare by the arm while praying that the teacher would affirm my actions.

"Emi ke! NOO"
Iwo gan gan ni auntie npe (you are the one auntie is calling)
Kunle replied. His gaze firmly fixed on the pages of his New General Mathematics textbook.
Praying that I would fall into the very trap that I wanted to push him into.

Like Achilles and Hector in the famed Trojan war, our prayers fought all the way to heaven.

Like the smell of Abel's sacrifice, God loved and accepted Kunle's prayer.

"I am talking to you, Kosi abi what is your name. Stand up and come and answer this question"
Shouted Mrs Ajani again.
Her anger visibly growing at the moment
For we were in the month of Ramadan.
The sacred month of fasting when tempers easily rose due to the hunger and worms that gnawed their intestines.

"Aunty mathematics na wetin be dis o.
You just dey stress me, dey vex me.
Na wich kain yawa be dis eh"
This *oga police* song by Psquare lept to my lips while I walked to the black board like a cow to the slaughter.

Knowing that her class period would end within seven minutes,
I set about a plan to run down the minutes.

"Auntie. Which one should should I solve?
Number 1 or number 2?" I asked.
Putting on my best imitation of a very dull student.

"Ode. Can't you see that your classmate has answered the first one. Answer the second one o jare" she replied.

Like the lazy sloth in the movie Zootopia,
I picked up the duster in slowed motion and cleaned the whole board (five minutes to go)

"Ah ah. See this child. Why did you clean the full board?" She asked in bewildered tone while some classmates like Leye and Okewale Akin smiled.
For they had coded this trick and had twice used it successfully.

"Auntie, the space is too small for me to solve it and I want to make it very big for everybody to see" I said.
Gently stressing the syllables to make the seconds pass by. (*Three minutes to go* my inner timer pinged)

"Oya be quick about that and answer the question" she said while looking at her watch and smiling to Olori Oyelade, our Yoruba teacher who was standing by the window in preparation for her class.

"Okay.
So 2a plus 2b will give us 4ab bah? Take the A from left side and add to B on the right. Then.. hmm"
These incoherent words I muttered while I tried to mimic Bolus' method of explanation.

On and on I continued.
Writing wrong equations and cleaning them immediately.
All the while facing the teachers direction.
As I knew of her unsavory habit of flogging a student on the back if he/she wrongly solved a question on the board.

In frustration, Auntie ordered me to get away from the board as she arose from her leaning position and came towards the board.

Like a African man seeing a white clothed figure moving in the midst of the night,
I fled towards my seat.
Grinning at the small victory I had just recorded and fist bumping Yinka Ajanis' knuckles which he stretched out with a congratulatory intent.

As I was about to seat down,
Rasak Layiwola shouted *FREEZE* and my heart skipped.
As my index and middle fingers were not crossed at the moment (image below).
Meaning he had the right to collect everything I had on me while I was to remain perfectly still like a figurine.

"Ahaahhh."
Wailing words that erupted from my lips.

"Yeeee"
My stomach screamed back in a solidarity chant.
For my back pockect held my last two hundred naira.
An amount I intended to spend in the Tuck shop during the second break.

Like a lion closing in for a kill,
Rasak came closer.
His lips parting in a hideous smile like the hyena upon seeing a trapped bird.
Dipping his hands into my back pockets, he away took the money and my biros.

"Oya, the two of you. Follow me to the staff room. You will explain this Super story that you are both acting in my class"
Mrs Ajani said.
As the whole class has paused to withness the scene played out by myself and Layi.

The staff room experience was a unique one. One which I would tell in further posts.
#BASHORUN

Thank you all for following these stories. If you have unique experiences which you want me to help you tell with a comedic flow, kindly inbox me.

OHH. Happy birthday to Bukola Opabisi.
I pray you increase in everything you do.