Archive for 2017

Perhaps I am mad.
Maybe a screwbolt is loose in my head and that causes me to dance strange.
Maybe a loony bat has bitten me and infected me with that fever that manifests through wild dance.
Maybe my village people have finally located my 'loco' button and maybe their one year old child is pressing it incessantly like a male child does to a barbie doll.
Or maybe the spirit of David has possessed a willing host and started manifesting.
Either way, the personal victories I get would determine the real truth of the matter.

Perhaps I am a big fool.
Maybe I have big dumb drooly ears that refuse to listen to any advice that I should become 'sharp'
Maybe the spirit of poverty has so held on to me that I am not willing to pass through any other 'fast' route to making money.
Maybe my wife is a very mellow 'nkita' (dog) that has refused to bark daily into my ears; reminding me of the need to be like my friends and add a couple of zeros to every cheque book.
Maybe I am stuck in the old ways, refusing to upgrade to the 'Ebuka' kind of tailor and still remaining dead serious in my deals.
Or maybe I have chosen to stick to the principles of the one who has called me into His marvellous light.
Either way, His words to me on that last day as well as the crowns I would get would determine if I was indeed smart or very stupid.

Perhaps I am a gross failure
Maybe I have chosen to ignore other pursuits and stuck my guns to saving the lost.
Maybe the angel that shares riches decided to skip visiting my abode and I refused to chase intensely after him, instead choosing to chase the lost souls.
Maybe I have forgotten that it would be easier to give my cash and then allow others to go and face the guns while preaching the goodnews.
Maybe my brain is leaking and has failed to process the information that my destination is an evil forest where twin babies are left to die and evil gnomes with two hundred and sixteen penises roam around naked.
Or maybe I have decided that to live and die in the service of Christ is gain.
Either way, the kind of ovation which would welcome me when I reach that eternal city would determine if it was all worth it.

Perhaps, I am a big he goat with no sense residing in my skull.
Maybe I am very stupid for not realizing that science is king and that miracles are not real.
Maybe the ant of pain has eaten the softest parts of my brain and that has made me a zombie that believes wholeheartedly in the power of faith.
Maybe the thing they said about me falling on my head when I was a child is correct and I am expecting a miracle when the situation looks dead.
Maybe I do not understand that the laws of the universe remain the same and nothing can just cause my broken spinal cord to repair suddenly.
Or maybe I have decided to plant my mustard seed of faith into the ground while expecting a rain.
Either way, my testimonies would determine if I am a mad man for believing or they are the mad ones for not believing.
#Bashorun

Hello friends.
This is a particularly wonderful guest post from a mentor of mine Ilo Unuigbe who blogs at peoplewhoroll.blogspot.com.

Trust me: Her healing verses are straight from the throne of grace. Be blessed as you read.

I stared at the mirror and tears rolled down my swollen cheeks.

The image staring back at me was the most horrifying thing I had ever seen. My face was disfigured in so many ways that I couldn’t reconcile the image in the mirror with the heart shaped face I had come to know as mine for the past 22years.

I was told it was a minor injury and I would get better in no time. But my face disagreed with everything they said, every part of my body ached and nothing made it better.

My body hurt and I was bruised in many places but the very thing that was broken in that accident was my heart. To be precise the heart break happened months before but that’s another one for another day. But something shattered inside of me when that car crashed, something so deep, I fear words are not enough to describe the depth. I was in so much pain and I was convinced that the pain ran deeper than my muscles and bones. It went straight to my heart.

I stepped away from the mirror and walked back to my bed, wiping my cheeks because I needed to be strong or at least appear to be.

As I lay on my bed, I had so many questions.

“Why?”

“God. Why?”

“You love me, but why am I in so much pain?”

“Where do I go from here?”

I had literally lost everything.

The day before the accident that landed me in the hospital was the most humiliating day of my life. I had lost my job, without any precedence or explanation. Yes, I had little savings but the hospital bill was accumulating so fast and by my calculations if I didn’t get discharged soon, I’d be down to my last five digits soon.

With nowhere and no one to turn to, I closed my eyes and let the hot tears make a soggy mess of my pillow.

You might not understand the depth of pain in those questions, but the woman that lost her fiancé in an accident understands.

The man that lost everything in a fire understands.

The youth that has roamed the streets, jobless and hungry understands.

The mother that lost her baby after nine months of carrying that child and 23hours of painful labour understands.

The woman that was drugged and raped at her best friend’s party understands.

The child that was orphaned as a result of senseless killings understands.

If you understand…wait for the rain. Because when the rain comes, it washes it all away.

The mud caked shoes,

The blood stained sheets,

The broken pieces,

The pain of yesterday,

The regrets,

The tears,

The pain.

It washes it all away.

“Joel 2:23

So rejoice, O sons of Zion, And be glad in the LORD your God; For He has given you the early rain for your vindication And He has poured down for you the rain, The early and latter rain as before.”

Hello friends. This is a feature article from a unique friend who also dubs as an analyst.
Enjoy this piece from Lillpacboi

In an economy where a common Nigerian lives below one dollar per day, buying a unit of aircraft or a piece of defence equipment worth over 200 million dollars look outrageous, but when we examine the negative impacts and catastrophic effects which forces such as Islamic insurgency, civil wars and proxy wars have wrecked stable states around the world, the dire need to shore up our defence is reaffirmed and hence, the need for a level of investment in the outdated Nigerian defence ministry.

Like other African powers such as Egypt, Libya, Ethiopia, and South Africa that boast of Aircrafts such as; F-16, Mig-23, SU-24, SU-25, Jas-39. The Nigerian Air Force (NAF) is the air arm of the Nigerian Armed Forces. It is one of the largest in Africa, consisting of about 10,000 personnel and aircraft including 12 Chinese Chengdu F-7s, and 11 Dassault-Dornier Alpha Jets, armed helicopters, and military transport aircraft.

Nigeria penned a deal for a mixed haul of Mi-35M and Mi-171Sh Terminator helicopters with the Russians in Sept 2014. Mi-35 (Super hind) and its presence in the Sambisa forest does tilt the fight against the Boko haram terrorists on the side of the Nigerian Army. With the war against insurgency being far from over, President Donald Trump’s administration is pushing forward with plans to sell up to a dozen aircrafts to Nigeria’s Air force for the fight against the extremist group ‘Boko Haram’. Sources report that the deal could be worth up to $600 million (about N184 billion).

Former President Barack Obama’s administration originally agreed on the sale, but delayed it after humanitarian crisis incidents, including the Nigerian Air Force’s bombing of a refugee camp in January, a strike that killed 90 to 170 civilians.

A close look at Super Tucano A-29 aircraft, an agile, propeller-driven plane with reconnaissance and surveillance as well as attack capabilities, made by Brazil’s Embraer, is like a backward movement in air warfare technology though the aircrafts are recently produced.

In a country cultured with mismanagement and gross lack of maintenance, a clamour for a fifth generation aircraft in form of technology advancement is like stockpiling our home with open cans of fuel while we walk around, smoking.

A-29 is a turboprop light attack aircraft designed for counter-insurgency (COIN) measures. Its functions include providing close air support, Aerial reconnaissance missions in low-threat environments, as well as providing pilot training. Designed to operate in high temperature and humidity conditions as well as extremely rugged terrain, the Super Tucano is highly maneuverable, has a low heat signature, and incorporates fourth-generation avionics and weapons system to deliver precision-guided munitions.

According to Jane’s All the World’s Aircraft 2008-9, this is a close air support, manned aircraft with a pilot and sensor operator. It has a flight endurance of more than six hours, carries several sensors, can be armed with a heavy machine gun in each wing and has mounts for bombs, cannon and rocket pods. It can also be landed on an unimproved airstrip such as a road, refueled in minutes and sent right back into the fray.

EMBRAER EMB-314 SUPER TUCANO:

-wingspan 11.14 meters

-wing area 19.4 sq. meters

-length 11.42 meters

-height 3.9 meters

-empty weight 2,420 kg

-MTO weight 3,190 kg

-max speed (alt) 555kph

-take-off run 350 meters

-landing run 550 meters

-service ceiling 10,670m

-range, internal fuel 1,570 kilometers

Mr. Trump’s plan to move ahead with the Nigerian sale was first reported on Monday by the Associated Press.

The U.S. congressional source reported that Human rights concerns remain, despite support for the sale from some lawmakers.

Here are some questions to be asked about the anticipated deal;

1. Will Nigeria will be able to pay the full $600 million for the aircraft, equipment, training and support.

2. Has the Nigerian government and NAF effectively used the equipments they have in hand (resource management).

3. Not doubting the ability of Nigerian Army in combat, has the Nigerian government taken a look into other options in tactics and equipment? And are deals with other world powers and allies considered?

4. According to President Donald Trump, there is no deal as fair deal It’s either good or bad. This raises an immediate question. Are we getting a fair deal with the American since each unit of A-29 cost 10 - 16 million dollars?

There is no doubt that Nigeria needs investment in military and defence ministry much more than civilian population see a sense in it, but we must understand how much judicial are the use of these investments, and how much advancement, in-view both internal and external, we are considering before any large or small scale investment in the defence ministries in particular and for maintaining the security of the citizenry in general.

(Lillpacboi)

Hello esteemed friends.
Here is another powerful article from the pen on Odumosu Oluwafunke Tiwalade. I pray you are blessed as you read.

The thunder roared.
The lightning took different forms.
Even the stars dimmed
The moon seemed to fade out.
The brightness gradually lost its purpose in the midst of the chaos.

Men fears increased.
Living things wondered.

The readers of the clouds and time confirmed it was time.
Time for the whole earth to lose hope.

The demons rejoiced.
Even the serpent bragged of its wit.
Finally the earth is mine !

He came to my abode,
Thinking I could be defeated.

Humans uncertainties increased.
The earth experienced an increased mixture of sadness and joy;

Joy on the part of the devil devotees;
Fear registered in the hearts of the righteous

Decision making process began,
Massive decamping were recorded
So many had forgotten the promises!

In the midst of the darkness,
None noticed the veil being torn .

Those who noticed, attributed it to the devil.
“Alas! he has come to take over the temple too" came the cry.

None noticed the earthquake,
Those who did, attributed it to the end of the world

None noticed the dead coming back to life.
Those who did, attributed it to a zombie outbreak.

From His throne, God roared again,

“why why why are my children not seeing as I see ?
Why can't they see that the darkness is not the beginning of the rule of evil?
But like the beginning, I am working on the waters.

Bringing light where there is darkness;
Order out of confusion;
Life in the place of death;
Substance in the place of void.

Oo Children, you all need to see as I see.
For the death is the beginning of life
And as the beginning commandment to form things that are not ,to things that be

Why can't they see that the death is
Is the beginning of a life?
The ending of separation and the beginning of a reunion

A new creation has been born
With a new mandate
One they can't trade this time.
One which they are immune to the world and the devil

Unlike the beginning
The man has defeated the devil before he is even tempted ,
The man has strength to say no
The woman resists and the devil flees
Unlike the beginning the truth is now accepted on earth

The truth; the confusion didn't birth a BEGINING of the devil rule, however it birthed the SONS OF GOD
We are the SONS, we defy all odds
HE IS ABLE THAT WORKS IN US

For now we know and accept that the death was the beginning of the refining of Priest
One who have defeated even before they are tempted
One who have truly and fully taken the image and likeness of the father

We are defiance
We take our rightful place!

Glory to the KING
Who has ordained us to reign just like the beginning
We make no mistakes now
Glory for the King reigns !

Odumosu Oluwafunke Tiwalade is a lady saved by grace, who loves the Lord and believes in His ability to repair broken walls, through THE WORD AND PRAYERS!

She blogs at ourheartfeltstories.blogspot.com

"O ye sinners. Repent for the day of the Lord draws near.
You that have been carrying chukuli inside exam hall. Repent now oo.
You that has converted ebelebo tree into your church parish where you conduct deliverance service for hall 2 girls. Repent oo.
You that always target your roommates pot of soup and pretend as if you are sleeping so that you can steal it when he goes out. Repent oo.
You that always form hulk hogan and pull your shirt to fight over everything. Repent oo"

These words the flyover preacher said in his early morning cry that woke us up.

While still in our sleepy state, a knock interrupted and our next door neighbors' voice rang out.
"Bros abeg una fit borrow me una hotplate?"

"Hotplate ke! At 4am in the morning. All our hotplate wire don cut"
I said.
In hope that he would catch the drift and leave us in peace.

"Oya bring one. I go fix am" He said.
A growing tone of desperation seeping into his voice.
Apparently he had forgotten about the decaying state of his egusi soup and had forgotten to warm it the previous night.

"Brosi. Go check Utility. E be like say we leave am for dere"
Timi said in a sharp tone of anger.
For he had not slept early the previous night.
Poor 100 level bloke who was still on a mission to shower hall 2 girls with the gifts of love and Mat Ice.

Within two hours, we awakened fully.

Taking our buckets downstairs to get water for bath,
We got the shock of the week.
Water had finished.

Cries of "PORTER ooo" rang out at that point.
Sarcastic shouts of "epa Oshodin oo" filled the air from the block D boys.

A rising chant of "Make we de go ooo. Make we dey go" began to rise from the impatient block B boys.
Anxious boys looking for every means of entering the girls hostel in the morning time.
Apparently they wanted to view the HD version of bathing hall 2 girls.
A sight which they had been viewing in 3g version from the third floor of their block.

With the shouts of "Make we dey go oo" gaining momentum,
Shirtless gym boys gathered around with their buckets and sticks.
Show offs ready to impress 100 level girls with their newly acquired 5 and 6 packs.

Godbless, the PRO, started the aluta anthem that moment.
Backed up by his able Director of Welfare, who shared the cozy excos room together with him.

"Solidarity for eeehhvaaa. Solidarity for eeehhvaaa.
Solidarity for eehva
We shall always fight for our rights. SING IT"

Like a bunch of disgruntled NLC workers invigorated by the beats of Young John the wicked producer,
We chanted the song in unison for three times.

"Greatest Uniben students!" Godbless shouted like a sex starved man trying to explain to the judge, the reason why his marriage should be dissolved.

"GREAT"
We shouted back in reply.

"Articulate Uniben students!"
He shouted again with increased vigor.

"GREAT"
We replied once again. Our tempers and 'ginger' rising with each passing second.

"Of the greatest GBO GBO"
Godbless shouted.
Raising his fists to elicit more support like Nnamdi Kanu to Ipob supporters in the courts.

"GBO GBO"
We chanted back.
Our voices sounding like a pack of enraged bull dogs who just sighted a robber jumping into the compound of their master.

"Greatest GBA GBA"
Godbless shouted again while smiling.
Obviously enjoying the maddening response which he had gotten so far.

"GBA GBA"
We shouted in return.
Our combined voices sounding like an enraged banging on the door by a angry armed robber who time is wasting.

"Make we dey go oo. Make we dey go"
Godbless started to sing as he led the already filled crowd, towards Hall 2.

The target was Chinelo, the SUG president.
The location-Block C, Room 202.

As we entered Hall 2.
Each party of protesters got into business.

The sons of Hermes, the Greek messenger god of theft, started their mission.
Stealing laptops and even pota of soup from the female rooms nearby.

The sons of Aphorodite, the Greek goddess of love, started honing their craft then.
Lustily gazing at the female students who were still in their night gowns and shorts.

The sons of Ares, the Greek god of war, started performing their fathers handiwork.
Rampaging and breaking everything in sight.
Hurling insults to all girls in sight,
While being gingered to hurl more anytime the girls replied fire with fire.

"Chinelo nor dey house"
The boys leading the charge said after inquiring or her presence from Geraldine her assistant.

"Eh eh. Oya make we go see dean na for students affairs"
Another boy, holding a broken bucket, opined.
Leading the way outside the girls hostel.

Like a group of Nigerians crossing the Sahara desert in a bid to reaching Libya,
The crowd began its trek to the students Affairs.

Carrying sticks, broken bottles and empty buckets were the daring boys wearing only boxers and singlets.
Accompanying the group were some crazy hall 2 girls who had decided to have a taste of the struggle.

To be continued in later posts.
#BASHORUN

African Star Apple (agbalumo in Yoruba, udara in Igbo) is a popular seasonal fruit normally consumed with its flesh in Nigeria. Agbalumo is mostly cultivated in the rural areas of the country and fully in season from january to april. Naturally, its advisable to let the fruit fall to the ground before harvesting but it is common practise for people to pluck it from the tree even when it has not ripened fully. This is one of the major reasons for its sour taste and slapping sensation when it is consumed. However when the fully ripe agbalumo is consumed, it is sweet, lush and sensitises the taste buds of the eater. To crown it up, it is highly nutritious. The beautiful fruit can be gotten mostly everywhere in Nigeria towards the end of November till later in March when it would have gone out of season.

Vitamins and Minerals
Star apples serve as a good source of calcium, with each serving providing you with 10 percent of the amount you require each day. The calcium lends strength to your bones and teeth, and it may also lessen symptoms of premenstrual syndrome, such as cramping and abdominal bloating. This fruit also contains 5 percent of the daily recommended value per serving of vitamin C and vitamin A.

Natural Remedy
The agbalumo/udara is a natural remedy for toothache, constipation, sore throat, and much more. Also the bark of the tree according to research was used traditionally to treat yellow fever and malaria, while the leaf treated wounds, stomach ache, and diarrhea. In some parts of Nigeria the seeds are used to treat vaginal and skin infections.

All-Round Basic Nutrition
1-cup serving of fresh star apple contains 67 calories. Eating star apple as a snack is a good choice as the calories are low and it provides no fat; however, this may not be enough calories to ease hunger pains and boost energy levels, as between-meal snack are meant to do. The Diet Channel notes that 100 to 200 calories per snack is best; consider eating an oz. of cheese or a tsp. of peanut butter to boost the number of calories into this range

Welcome my jolly good friends as we continue this descent down memory lane.

(Inside SS1B mathematics class)
"Bolu stand up and come and answer this question"
Mrs Ajani said.
Leaning against Bukola Opabisi's locker and facing the board while Bukola secretly offered prayers to God for invincibility from the teachers scope of vision.

Like a newly paid 'Yahoo boy's walk to the bank counter,
Bolu swaggered to the black board while the whole class looked in envy
For he was the scholar whose acumen for solving mathematics, was unrivaled.

Like an enthusiastic anatomy lecturer dissecting the composition of a cadaver (corpse) to a group of students, Bolu started breaking down the equation.

Solving in bytes and bits
Unwrapping the answer like a son carefully unveils his mother's Christmas gift with a plastered smile on his face.

Within three minutes, he was done and the teacher ordered a huge round applause for him.

"You stand up (pointing). What is your name"
Asked Mrs Ajani as she pointed at my direction

"She is calling you" I said.
Touching Kunle Bakare by the arm while praying that the teacher would affirm my actions.

"Emi ke! NOO"
Iwo gan gan ni auntie npe (you are the one auntie is calling)
Kunle replied. His gaze firmly fixed on the pages of his New General Mathematics textbook.
Praying that I would fall into the very trap that I wanted to push him into.

Like Achilles and Hector in the famed Trojan war, our prayers fought all the way to heaven.

Like the smell of Abel's sacrifice, God loved and accepted Kunle's prayer.

"I am talking to you, Kosi abi what is your name. Stand up and come and answer this question"
Shouted Mrs Ajani again.
Her anger visibly growing at the moment
For we were in the month of Ramadan.
The sacred month of fasting when tempers easily rose due to the hunger and worms that gnawed their intestines.

"Aunty mathematics na wetin be dis o.
You just dey stress me, dey vex me.
Na wich kain yawa be dis eh"
This *oga police* song by Psquare lept to my lips while I walked to the black board like a cow to the slaughter.

Knowing that her class period would end within seven minutes,
I set about a plan to run down the minutes.

"Auntie. Which one should should I solve?
Number 1 or number 2?" I asked.
Putting on my best imitation of a very dull student.

"Ode. Can't you see that your classmate has answered the first one. Answer the second one o jare" she replied.

Like the lazy sloth in the movie Zootopia,
I picked up the duster in slowed motion and cleaned the whole board (five minutes to go)

"Ah ah. See this child. Why did you clean the full board?" She asked in bewildered tone while some classmates like Leye and Okewale Akin smiled.
For they had coded this trick and had twice used it successfully.

"Auntie, the space is too small for me to solve it and I want to make it very big for everybody to see" I said.
Gently stressing the syllables to make the seconds pass by. (*Three minutes to go* my inner timer pinged)

"Oya be quick about that and answer the question" she said while looking at her watch and smiling to Olori Oyelade, our Yoruba teacher who was standing by the window in preparation for her class.

"Okay.
So 2a plus 2b will give us 4ab bah? Take the A from left side and add to B on the right. Then.. hmm"
These incoherent words I muttered while I tried to mimic Bolus' method of explanation.

On and on I continued.
Writing wrong equations and cleaning them immediately.
All the while facing the teachers direction.
As I knew of her unsavory habit of flogging a student on the back if he/she wrongly solved a question on the board.

In frustration, Auntie ordered me to get away from the board as she arose from her leaning position and came towards the board.

Like a African man seeing a white clothed figure moving in the midst of the night,
I fled towards my seat.
Grinning at the small victory I had just recorded and fist bumping Yinka Ajanis' knuckles which he stretched out with a congratulatory intent.

As I was about to seat down,
Rasak Layiwola shouted *FREEZE* and my heart skipped.
As my index and middle fingers were not crossed at the moment (image below).
Meaning he had the right to collect everything I had on me while I was to remain perfectly still like a figurine.

"Ahaahhh."
Wailing words that erupted from my lips.

"Yeeee"
My stomach screamed back in a solidarity chant.
For my back pockect held my last two hundred naira.
An amount I intended to spend in the Tuck shop during the second break.

Like a lion closing in for a kill,
Rasak came closer.
His lips parting in a hideous smile like the hyena upon seeing a trapped bird.
Dipping his hands into my back pockets, he away took the money and my biros.

"Oya, the two of you. Follow me to the staff room. You will explain this Super story that you are both acting in my class"
Mrs Ajani said.
As the whole class has paused to withness the scene played out by myself and Layi.

The staff room experience was a unique one. One which I would tell in further posts.
#BASHORUN

Thank you all for following these stories. If you have unique experiences which you want me to help you tell with a comedic flow, kindly inbox me.

OHH. Happy birthday to Bukola Opabisi.
I pray you increase in everything you do.